Tonight was Xander’s preschool graduation ceremony. This was supposed to be one of those posts that contains more pictures than words. I would have had shots of Xander on stage singing songs and reciting scripture. Definitely a picture of him with his teacher during the reception afterwards. A few of him with Rob, me, and his sisters; maybe one with all 5 of us if I could find someone to take it.
Reality turned out to be very different from my plans. During the performance, Xander was the worst behaved I have seen him in well over a year. At first it was cute to see him so easily distracted. But when he started bugging other kids and flat-out disobeying his teachers on stage, it got to an unacceptable level. I was recording the entire time, but I don’t know how long it will take for me to be able to relive the experience – it was that bad. Rather than stay for the rest of the ceremony and reception, we left the auditorium and headed home as soon as Xander got his certificate.
As a stay-at-home mom, it’s hard to keep from seeing everything your child does wrong in public as a direct reflection of your parenting. (Throw into the mix being the black mother of a mixed child in a 97.87% white town in Arkansas and you add a lot of extra pressure, real or percieved… but that’s another story.) If it was someone else’s child acting up I would have thought, “What is his mom doing wrong?” and so naturally I started asking myself the same thing.
What am I doing wrong?
After dealing with Xander and getting him and Arya to bed, I started thinking aloud to Rob.
What could have triggered his behavior tonight? Does he have impulse control issues? Is he overstimulated or understimulated? Should I discipline him more or less at home? Why does he have problems with authority lately? Is he doing this on purpose? Is his home life too structured or not structured enough? Is he not 100% okay with Aliza joining us? Am I making the right decision sending him to a Montessori school next year? Should I rearrange the furniture?
He listened to my monologue for a while before telling me I was overthinking. Hours later, I realize he was right.
Xander is many things: imaginative, intelligent, fun-loving, and free-spirited to name a few. He’s also 4, and for whatever reason he had a bad night. Yes, it was hard to watch and not be able to do anything. And yes, it was extremely embarrassing. But he’s young, and the overall pattern of his behavior is nothing like what happened this evening. It’ll be okay.
